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darth_stitchYep, Harry Potter 1/2 is back and boy is the madness fun!
The first episode in the series is HERE.
Harry Potter 1/2
Episode II: The Ring (And Not The One With the Japanese Telly Ghost In It)
by Darth Stitch
DISCLAIMER: Not my toys, they're JKR's and Rumiko Takahashi's (at least, the whole Jusenkyo Springs
concept is Rumiko Takahashi-san's). Am just borrowing them and will put them back where they belong. Eventually.
WARNINGS: Slash. Crack!Fic situations. Expect the strange and the bizaare. And please put tongue firmly in cheek and leave canon at the door. XP
Notes: This creatively ignores several parts of HBP but acknowledges others. You'll figure it out as I go along.
***
Fate really had it in for Severus Snape.
Severus had to admit that there were times in his life that he couldn't blame on fickle gods, Destiny, Fate or what have you, that he himself had done a fine job of screwing himself over. Getting a certain Mark on his arm and finding himself enslaved to a mad Dark Lord came easily to mind, although thanks to a Certain Irritating Green-Eyed Brat, both Mark and Dark Lord were finally gone. Still, Severus thought that after all that he'd done for the side of the Light (led by Ye Dafte Olde Coote), he'd earned some sort of respite.
It had seemed so ridiculously simple. Harry Potter had defeated the Dark Lord in the summer before his
seventh year at Hogwarts. For the first time, Severus didn't have to run around trying to make sure The Brat didn't get himself killed. All he had to do was something that was relatively safe - try to pound in some sort of education into the wad of cotton wool that passed for brains in The Brat's head.
The good thing was that Harry Potter was not the walking disaster in Potions class that Neville Longbottom
was. It comforted Severus immensely. And then, Severus had to pretend not to notice how very much like his mother Harry now looked like these days,
(and how long has the boy been "Harry" to you?)
now that Harry's features were now maturing and losing the initial resemblance they had to James. Harry
was now one of those young men who tended towards "beautiful" instead of "handsome" when it came to looks and yes, he wasn't really a boy anymore, was he and Severus did NOT just find anything remotely attractive about The Boy
(The Man)
Who Defeated Voldemort.
And then The Brat had the sheer utter gall to run off and fall into a goddamned cursed spring, for
Merlin's sake. Really, only Harry Potter could be so inconsiderate as to ruin a perfectly trouble-free class trip and get himself cursed to turn into a
(very pretty)
girl half the time! Sure the curse had the dubious solution of having Harry regain his original gender once splashed with hot water. But it also had the side effect of turning Harry into some sort of water magnet and Severus couldn't believe how many times Harry got splashed with cold water during the day, in seemingly innocuous circumstances, not counting the "accidents" engineered by the students themselves. The little perverts definitely wanted to ogle Harry's rather prominent "assets" as evidenced by the way his wet school shirt clung to them...
... and at that point Severus really, really didn't want to dwell on that disturbing
(attractive)
mental image. No, he didn't. He was a Hogwarts professor for Merlin's sake and he'd spent over
seventeen years completely immune to the hormonal hothouse a wizarding school tended to be and he wasn't about to start getting ideas...
Merlin, Severus really needed a drink.
Severus however had to applaud the Boy Who Turned Into A Girl Half The Time's ingenuity in solving his
obvious clothing problems what with the continuous gender-changing. It seemed that the curse could get
through any shield one could put up to avoid gettng wet and it really wasn't the best idea for Harry to run about secretly wearing a bra and girl's knickers as a boy. A few very cleverly put up charms and Harry's underthings changed with each inadvertent splashing. Of course, it was Granger who just had to be even more clever and charmed Harry's outer clothing to change to a standard Hogwarts girl's uniform whenever necessary.
And Severus did not, repeat NOT, think how rather fetching "Miss" Potter looked in a schoolgirl skirt. Because, the last time he checked, he was bent, queer, gay - thank you very much.
This time, he took that much needed drink.
Perhaps someone should have also taken into account that not only was Harry Potter now a water magnet, he was now an even bigger target for the deluded romantic fantasies of the Hogwarts school population. As witnessed by a very interesting conversation that Severus had overheard...
"I'm screwed," Draco Malfoy said to Blaise Zabini in the Potions classroom, where they'd arrived quite ahead of their other classmates.
Funny how Severus ofttimes shared the younger Malfoy's sentiments.
Zabini snorted. "Not an unfamiliar state for you to be in, Malfoy."
Draco gave him the two-fingered salute, which only made the other boy laugh all the harder. "Prat. I mean it this time, really."
"You mean you weren't serious when you told me you were screwed because Our Dear Unlamented Dark Lord wanted you as his Consort?"
Draco made a face. "It's enough to make any self-respecting Slytherin flee right back into the arms of the Side of the Light. Wear the white hats and all that rubbish. But then Potter's done a right good job of getting rid of Him - I'd just like to concentrate on the sort of lovelife any fellow our age would prefer."
"That being...?"
"How the bloody hell am I going to choose between Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley?"
Blaise Zabini fell over. Severus, who was about to make his usual sweeping grand entrance into the classroom, had slightly better luck maintaining his balance.
"I mean, really," Draco said reflectively. "Weasley's gorgeous and she's got a great set of knockers on her, not to mention all that lovely fiery-red hair and she's feisty while Potter's not bad-looking himself, what with those eyes and as a bonus, he can always turn into an equally lovely girl with a wonderful pair of tits with just a splash of cold water!"
"You're out of your bloody mind! You're stark raving mad!" Zabini spluttered.
"Maybe I shouldn't have to choose..." Draco continued blithely. "Nothing wrong with marrying one and
keeping the other as one's mistress, eh? Or maybe I should look into changing the Wizarding laws so I could marry them both..."
At THAT point Severus chose to make his grand entrance because if he had to listen to the younger Malfoy
blather on any longer, he would be quite tempted to force-feed him a potion that would turn him into a
ferret. Permanently.
Perhaps he should've already given in to the temptation or else he wouldn't have been in the predicament
he was now.
It began with a rather officious-looking owl, making its way to the Gryffindor table during luncheon, bearing a small package with the Potter Family crest prominently featured all over the wrapping. Naturally, every Gryffindor twit crowded around their dashing hero (who was, for once, in his proper gender), wanting to know what it was.
Severus later heard from one of the younger Slytherins, who'd reported the news to her housemates with
some measure of awe, that it was the "legendary" Potter Family Marriage Rings. He tried not to roll his eyes too much at the news. He'd never really seen what the to-do was about those blasted things, although he did remember that James Potter had used them to propose to Lily Evans in their seventh year at Hogwarts
and that, among other things, pretty much spelled the death knell to his friendship with that stubborn, bossy, know-it-all Gryffindor chit. Yes, friendship - a platonic one, as it was Lily who had figured out Severus' inclinations long before he did!
Daft bint.
The truth was, he should've spent less time reminiscing about his old school friend and paid more attention to the positively unholy gleam in Draco's eyes.
It happened during his Potions class.
It was on one of those very very rare occasions that Severus was late coming to his own class but on this
occasion, it was all the fault of Ye Dafte Olde Coote a.k.a. Albus Dumbledore, who had ordered in a shipment of bottled Cursed Jusenkyo Spring Water. Perhaps Severus could use these in his experiments, the
barmy old wizard had said and yes, it was all very fascinating but Severus had a seventh year Gryffindor/Slytherin class to teach and gods only knew what kind of mayhem they'd already wreaked in his
Potions classroom.
When he'd opened the door, Harry and Draco were struggling over something and then something small, shiny and golden fell and rolled right up to Severus' feet.
It was a plain gold ring.
For some reason, as Severus picked the thing up, he had the oddest urge to put on the ring. And suddenly
there it was, on his left ring finger.
And then, he abruptly became conscious of the stares of his students.
"Twenty points from Gryffindor AND Slytherin!" he barked. "Get back to your seats IMMEDIATELY!"
No one moved. And then that Granger chit spoke up.
"Professor Snape? Why did you put on that ring?"
"Are you incapable of following the simplest instructions?" he sneered, immediately trying to remove the ring and hand the blasted thing back to her. "Get back to your seat; we have a class to conduct if you lot of dunderheads haven't forgotten..."
The ring wouldn't come off. It was stuck, somehow.
And then Harry, cheeks pink, spoke up. "Er... sir? That's... um.... my family wedding ring you're wearing. It's not supposed to fit anyone... unless... they're.... um.... oh bloody hell."
The stupid ring absolutely wouldn't come off!
"What are you blathering about now, Potter?"
"That ring's not going to come off, Professor Snape, because it looks like you're the one who's
supposed to wear it," Granger, always ready with an answer, came to Harry's rescue.
"Don't be ridiculous," Severus sneered. "Fifty points from Gryffindor for playing asinine pranks on one's
professor!"
"She's not joking, sir," Harry said. "Um. Since the ring fits you and not Draco... it means you're supposed to be married. Um. To me."
For the very first time in his life, Severus Snape fainted.
- end of second episode -
A/N: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! *cackles and puts up Blanket Fort against the Wrath of Severus Muse*
The first episode in the series is HERE.
Harry Potter 1/2
Episode II: The Ring (And Not The One With the Japanese Telly Ghost In It)
by Darth Stitch
DISCLAIMER: Not my toys, they're JKR's and Rumiko Takahashi's (at least, the whole Jusenkyo Springs
concept is Rumiko Takahashi-san's). Am just borrowing them and will put them back where they belong. Eventually.
WARNINGS: Slash. Crack!Fic situations. Expect the strange and the bizaare. And please put tongue firmly in cheek and leave canon at the door. XP
Notes: This creatively ignores several parts of HBP but acknowledges others. You'll figure it out as I go along.
***
Fate really had it in for Severus Snape.
Severus had to admit that there were times in his life that he couldn't blame on fickle gods, Destiny, Fate or what have you, that he himself had done a fine job of screwing himself over. Getting a certain Mark on his arm and finding himself enslaved to a mad Dark Lord came easily to mind, although thanks to a Certain Irritating Green-Eyed Brat, both Mark and Dark Lord were finally gone. Still, Severus thought that after all that he'd done for the side of the Light (led by Ye Dafte Olde Coote), he'd earned some sort of respite.
It had seemed so ridiculously simple. Harry Potter had defeated the Dark Lord in the summer before his
seventh year at Hogwarts. For the first time, Severus didn't have to run around trying to make sure The Brat didn't get himself killed. All he had to do was something that was relatively safe - try to pound in some sort of education into the wad of cotton wool that passed for brains in The Brat's head.
The good thing was that Harry Potter was not the walking disaster in Potions class that Neville Longbottom
was. It comforted Severus immensely. And then, Severus had to pretend not to notice how very much like his mother Harry now looked like these days,
(and how long has the boy been "Harry" to you?)
now that Harry's features were now maturing and losing the initial resemblance they had to James. Harry
was now one of those young men who tended towards "beautiful" instead of "handsome" when it came to looks and yes, he wasn't really a boy anymore, was he and Severus did NOT just find anything remotely attractive about The Boy
(The Man)
Who Defeated Voldemort.
And then The Brat had the sheer utter gall to run off and fall into a goddamned cursed spring, for
Merlin's sake. Really, only Harry Potter could be so inconsiderate as to ruin a perfectly trouble-free class trip and get himself cursed to turn into a
(very pretty)
girl half the time! Sure the curse had the dubious solution of having Harry regain his original gender once splashed with hot water. But it also had the side effect of turning Harry into some sort of water magnet and Severus couldn't believe how many times Harry got splashed with cold water during the day, in seemingly innocuous circumstances, not counting the "accidents" engineered by the students themselves. The little perverts definitely wanted to ogle Harry's rather prominent "assets" as evidenced by the way his wet school shirt clung to them...
... and at that point Severus really, really didn't want to dwell on that disturbing
(attractive)
mental image. No, he didn't. He was a Hogwarts professor for Merlin's sake and he'd spent over
seventeen years completely immune to the hormonal hothouse a wizarding school tended to be and he wasn't about to start getting ideas...
Merlin, Severus really needed a drink.
Severus however had to applaud the Boy Who Turned Into A Girl Half The Time's ingenuity in solving his
obvious clothing problems what with the continuous gender-changing. It seemed that the curse could get
through any shield one could put up to avoid gettng wet and it really wasn't the best idea for Harry to run about secretly wearing a bra and girl's knickers as a boy. A few very cleverly put up charms and Harry's underthings changed with each inadvertent splashing. Of course, it was Granger who just had to be even more clever and charmed Harry's outer clothing to change to a standard Hogwarts girl's uniform whenever necessary.
And Severus did not, repeat NOT, think how rather fetching "Miss" Potter looked in a schoolgirl skirt. Because, the last time he checked, he was bent, queer, gay - thank you very much.
This time, he took that much needed drink.
Perhaps someone should have also taken into account that not only was Harry Potter now a water magnet, he was now an even bigger target for the deluded romantic fantasies of the Hogwarts school population. As witnessed by a very interesting conversation that Severus had overheard...
"I'm screwed," Draco Malfoy said to Blaise Zabini in the Potions classroom, where they'd arrived quite ahead of their other classmates.
Funny how Severus ofttimes shared the younger Malfoy's sentiments.
Zabini snorted. "Not an unfamiliar state for you to be in, Malfoy."
Draco gave him the two-fingered salute, which only made the other boy laugh all the harder. "Prat. I mean it this time, really."
"You mean you weren't serious when you told me you were screwed because Our Dear Unlamented Dark Lord wanted you as his Consort?"
Draco made a face. "It's enough to make any self-respecting Slytherin flee right back into the arms of the Side of the Light. Wear the white hats and all that rubbish. But then Potter's done a right good job of getting rid of Him - I'd just like to concentrate on the sort of lovelife any fellow our age would prefer."
"That being...?"
"How the bloody hell am I going to choose between Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley?"
Blaise Zabini fell over. Severus, who was about to make his usual sweeping grand entrance into the classroom, had slightly better luck maintaining his balance.
"I mean, really," Draco said reflectively. "Weasley's gorgeous and she's got a great set of knockers on her, not to mention all that lovely fiery-red hair and she's feisty while Potter's not bad-looking himself, what with those eyes and as a bonus, he can always turn into an equally lovely girl with a wonderful pair of tits with just a splash of cold water!"
"You're out of your bloody mind! You're stark raving mad!" Zabini spluttered.
"Maybe I shouldn't have to choose..." Draco continued blithely. "Nothing wrong with marrying one and
keeping the other as one's mistress, eh? Or maybe I should look into changing the Wizarding laws so I could marry them both..."
At THAT point Severus chose to make his grand entrance because if he had to listen to the younger Malfoy
blather on any longer, he would be quite tempted to force-feed him a potion that would turn him into a
ferret. Permanently.
Perhaps he should've already given in to the temptation or else he wouldn't have been in the predicament
he was now.
It began with a rather officious-looking owl, making its way to the Gryffindor table during luncheon, bearing a small package with the Potter Family crest prominently featured all over the wrapping. Naturally, every Gryffindor twit crowded around their dashing hero (who was, for once, in his proper gender), wanting to know what it was.
Severus later heard from one of the younger Slytherins, who'd reported the news to her housemates with
some measure of awe, that it was the "legendary" Potter Family Marriage Rings. He tried not to roll his eyes too much at the news. He'd never really seen what the to-do was about those blasted things, although he did remember that James Potter had used them to propose to Lily Evans in their seventh year at Hogwarts
and that, among other things, pretty much spelled the death knell to his friendship with that stubborn, bossy, know-it-all Gryffindor chit. Yes, friendship - a platonic one, as it was Lily who had figured out Severus' inclinations long before he did!
Daft bint.
The truth was, he should've spent less time reminiscing about his old school friend and paid more attention to the positively unholy gleam in Draco's eyes.
It happened during his Potions class.
It was on one of those very very rare occasions that Severus was late coming to his own class but on this
occasion, it was all the fault of Ye Dafte Olde Coote a.k.a. Albus Dumbledore, who had ordered in a shipment of bottled Cursed Jusenkyo Spring Water. Perhaps Severus could use these in his experiments, the
barmy old wizard had said and yes, it was all very fascinating but Severus had a seventh year Gryffindor/Slytherin class to teach and gods only knew what kind of mayhem they'd already wreaked in his
Potions classroom.
When he'd opened the door, Harry and Draco were struggling over something and then something small, shiny and golden fell and rolled right up to Severus' feet.
It was a plain gold ring.
For some reason, as Severus picked the thing up, he had the oddest urge to put on the ring. And suddenly
there it was, on his left ring finger.
And then, he abruptly became conscious of the stares of his students.
"Twenty points from Gryffindor AND Slytherin!" he barked. "Get back to your seats IMMEDIATELY!"
No one moved. And then that Granger chit spoke up.
"Professor Snape? Why did you put on that ring?"
"Are you incapable of following the simplest instructions?" he sneered, immediately trying to remove the ring and hand the blasted thing back to her. "Get back to your seat; we have a class to conduct if you lot of dunderheads haven't forgotten..."
The ring wouldn't come off. It was stuck, somehow.
And then Harry, cheeks pink, spoke up. "Er... sir? That's... um.... my family wedding ring you're wearing. It's not supposed to fit anyone... unless... they're.... um.... oh bloody hell."
The stupid ring absolutely wouldn't come off!
"What are you blathering about now, Potter?"
"That ring's not going to come off, Professor Snape, because it looks like you're the one who's
supposed to wear it," Granger, always ready with an answer, came to Harry's rescue.
"Don't be ridiculous," Severus sneered. "Fifty points from Gryffindor for playing asinine pranks on one's
professor!"
"She's not joking, sir," Harry said. "Um. Since the ring fits you and not Draco... it means you're supposed to be married. Um. To me."
For the very first time in his life, Severus Snape fainted.
- end of second episode -
A/N: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! *cackles and puts up Blanket Fort against the Wrath of Severus Muse*
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
o_O!
Date: 2006-05-02 05:21 pm (UTC)*pets the furry blue alien.* Nice crack fic!
no subject
Date: 2006-05-02 06:37 pm (UTC)no subject
no subject
Date: 2006-05-03 04:53 am (UTC)AND CANCEL CHRISTMAS!!
no subject
Date: 2006-05-03 05:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-03 05:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-03 05:14 am (UTC)Who me?
no subject
Date: 2006-05-03 05:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-03 05:11 am (UTC)LOLOLOLOL
Date: 2006-05-02 06:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-02 07:02 pm (UTC)Glad you didn't forget this one... I so love it!
no subject
Date: 2006-05-02 07:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-02 09:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-02 10:09 pm (UTC)*cackles*
*runs from the scary Severus Muse who appears to be lurking, awaiting unsuspecting People Who Snigger At Crack!Fic in order to disembowel them since he can't get into Blanket Fort*
no subject
Date: 2006-05-03 04:47 am (UTC)Popcorn?
no subject
Date: 2006-05-02 10:26 pm (UTC)Brilliantly funny. *wants more*