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Further Studies on the Nature of Dragons & Bagginses
By Darth Stitch

DISCLAIMER TO SAVE MY SOUL FROM GOING TO HELL IN A HANDBASKET (Sigh. Join me in the Handbasket? I haz cookies!): Sherlock BBC was brought to us by Steven Moffat & Mark Gatiss, who wouldn't have been able to bring on this awesome were it not for the fertile imagination of one Arthur Conan Doyle. J.R.R. Tolkien owns The Hobbit and the legendarium of the Lord of the Rings and a good part of my soul. :)

WARNING:  Please put tongue firmly in cheek and leave canon at the door. CRACKFIC to infinity!


1. The thing to remember about Dragons was that they were fiendishly intelligent. And did not suffer fools lightly. Therefore, for the sake of the Shire and his neighbors and relatives (well, maybe the Sackville-Bagginses were the sole exemption), John Bilbo Watson Baggins found it a refreshing, continual challenge to keep his Dragon occupied.

2. One of Sherlock’s favorite pastimes was to deduce the life stories of Bilbo’s neighbors from observing, as he put it. Bilbo honestly found it amazing that he could tell, at a glance, if the Gaffer had stopped by at Widow Rumble’s for tea and her famous honey biscuits (again). Or if Lobelia was attempting to steal one of his silver spoons (again). And if Cousin Drogo had managed to sneak in a snog with Primula behind the Party Tree (again). He also always knew which of Bilbo’s many Took and Brandybuck cousins were stealing vegetables and mushrooms from the local farmers (as usual).

3. Naturally, the other Hobbits thought that it was some sort of uncanny dragon-magic. At first, most of them were wary of it. It was, however, singularly useful when they wanted a good bit of gossip and Hobbits so loved gossip, even though some of them would sniff and say, “It isn’t proper!”

4. Sherlock, however, was honestly indignant. It was not, he would say frostily, in that distinctive baritone, magic. It was the simple matter of observing things and using one’s eyes and senses as Eru had intended them to be used. And he’d rattle off a stream of things like the scent of tea and honey (the Gaffer), Primula’s flushed cheeks and Drogo’s mussed collar (the snogging) and the dirt on the fingernails of Bilbo’s Took and Brandybuck cousins plus several more interesting and overlooked details proving that he wasn’t guessing about their activities but was accurately telling them what was going on.

“Dear Valar, what is it like in your funny little brains? It must be so boring!" Sherlock exclaimed once in a fit of impatience, smoke rising ominously from his nostrils.

5. He did calm down when Bilbo put a gentle hand along his sides and happily put his head down for a scratch. Bilbo discovered that Sherlock rather liked being petted though he’d die before he’d admit to that.

6. “That’s amazing!” Bilbo had said, the first time Sherlock has shown off those deductive skills. And it was sincerely meant too.

The Dragon paused, looking slightly incredulous. “Is it?”

“Of course it was – that was rather extraordinary. Quite extraordinary!”

“That’s not what most folk normally say,” Sherlock said pensively.

“Well what do people normally say?”

“Piss off!”

7. It was a novel experience, really, to be fussed over and cared for by a Hobbit, Sherlock reflected. John (to him, the Shire’s ‘Mad Baggins’ would always be ‘John’) was tea and biscuits and soft wooly jumpers and gentle scritches and exasperated scoldings when Sherlock managed to scare hobbitlings and mischievous tweens and obnoxious relatives trying to steal Bilbo’s good silver spoons. It was a life far, far different from lying on a bed of gold and gems in the Lonely Mountain.

8. Sherlock was fast beginning to forget those years in the Lonely Mountain. Honestly, now that he looked back, they were positively boring. He could not understand how he withstood the boredom for so long.

9. Sherlock was not going to admit he felt lonely. Dragons were above such things.

10. It wasn’t very long until Bilbo felt the restless stirrings from his Tookish heritage come over him once more. It scandalized the whole of Hobbiton that a Baggins would become so inclined to adventuring but at this point, Bilbo no longer cared what people thought. He’d had a glimpse of the wider world and his eyes were opened to a vast realm of knowledge that he knew would soon affect even the simple lives they led in the Shire.

11. John Bilbo Watson Baggins wanted to see the mountains again.

12. Gandalf, bless him, turned up just as Bilbo and Sherlock had decided to take a little trip. Really, they just meant to visit Balin and inquire about his doings. Bilbo had heard rumors that the Dwarf wanted to mount an expedition to retake the infamous Mines of Moria from the goblins that made their home there. However, Gandalf had come just in time to convince Bilbo and Sherlock that things would be more interesting if they went to Rivendell instead.

13. There were disturbances being reported around the realm where the Last Homely House was located. Disturbances that seemed to center around Elrond’s young fosterling, the boy named Estel. Estel was human, although any fool with a set of working eyes and ears to listen with could tell that he was one of the Dunedain. And Bilbo did not need Sherlock to tell him exactly what was so special about Estel that he’d be fostered with Elrond Half-Elven himself and not some other noble family of the Dunedain.

14. Gandalf suspected that there was more to the death of Arathorn, Chief of the Dunedain, than a simple orc ambush. But suspicions could only go so far and there were many other things that demanded the Wizard’s attention. Therefore, he turned to a certain Dragon and Hobbit who both had good noses for an investigation of this sort. And at this point, everyone who knew Bilbo and Sherlock was aware of how much Sherlock enjoyed a good mystery.

15. Sherlock was fair dancing with glee when he was told all about it. “Murder! Kidnappings! Oh this is wonderful! It’s like Yule has come early!”

Bilbo snorted. “You take an unholy delight in the strangest things. Almost indecent, that is.”

Sherlock rolled his eyes. “Never mind decency – the game, my dear John, is afoot!”

Naturally, Bilbo followed him.

16. And by the way, this entire adventure had absolutely nothing to do with the centuries-long prank war Gandalf was having with Elrond Half-Elven. Really, Gandalf was not taking an unholy delight at the prospect of Elrond having a Dragon and a Hobbit as houseguests for the next few months…and in the general vicinity of an adventurous 10 year old boy.

17. Sherlock had not expected to be good with young creatures of any species. They were generally too frightened of him to be of much sensible use. However, he was quite delighted to teach young Estel in the “Science of Deduction,” as he referred to it. Estel, he was pleased to note, proved to be an apt pupil.

18. The Twins, however, did not appreciate being discovered as the ones who pilfered the special apple pies meant for Glorfindel alone, due to Sherlock and Estel’s deductive work.

19. Elrond did, however, appreciate the untangling of the mystery surrounding all the attempts at Estel’s life. It seemed that the old ghosts of the ancient Kin-strife in Gondor and Arnor were reaching out to young Estel, no doubt influenced by the malice of the Enemy. There were still those who wanted to assume power over the boy who was the heir of Isildur or chose to assert that theirs was the rightful bloodline.

20. Elrond just didn’t bargain for the chaos in his House and the sudden lack of mushrooms in his kitchens.

But, that will be a story told for the next time…

Author’s Notes: I BLAME PrettyArbitrary for the “prank war” thing. Suddenly, I feel an epic crossover crackfic series coming on…. Ceiling Cat help me.



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July 2012

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